Thought For The Day 05/28/14

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The Children’s Bible

(In A Nutshell)

Post 1171

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Children's Bible

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There is nothing more precious or funnier than the things kids say when they’re not trying to be precious or funny!

Amanda Bruscella

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The internet is a Godsend, in so many ways. It brings both, the wisdom of Solomon and of the ages, and the wisdom (and faith) of a child, right into our homes. And since we spent our Memorial Day holiday as a family, doing the things that families do during these rare but special times shared, I am posting some pearls that only the heart, mind and mouth of a child can be responsible for. I tucked this gem away for just an occasion like this!

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Many of these writings have been cited individually. In fact, if you enter the phrase “kids say the darndest things about faith” in your web browser, many of them will pop up! But when collected and joined together, as these were, and then offering them up as a Sunday School report, well, they become magical and take on a life of their own! And while there are some of you out there who might try to claim that these could never have been made up by children, my answer is this …..only a child could come up with answers as wonderfully innocent as some of these are!

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A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Here is what he wrote

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The Childrens Bible In A Nutshell

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In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden … Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, ”As a matter of fact, I was.”)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus . Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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And, last but not least, an afterthought, the “pièce de résistance”. 

(As a reminder to you, Jeremiah, is also known as the “Weeping Prophet” and is considered a major prophet, who transcends our differing faiths. He is considered a prophet who is recognized by Judaism (in Hebrew his name is יִרְמְיָה), Islam (in Arabic his name is  إرميا or Irmiya) and Christianity!  Credited with authoring the books of Jeremiah, 1 Kings, 2 Kings and Lamentations, many scholars view Jeremiah as the one who redefined religion by insisting that there exists an individualized relationship between each person and God.)

Here is the song about Jeremiah.

“Jeremiah was a bullfrog, he was a good friend of mine, I never understood a  single word he said, but I helped him drink his wine!” 

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And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven..”

Matthew 18:3 NIV

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Mandy 2014

Copyright © 2011-2014 “MandysPath”

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About Mandy Bruscella

Mandy's Story: As a Registered Professional Nurse with Certification in a number of specialties including home care, I was afforded the opportunity of working closely with various Social Service Agencies in NY and NJ. ~ A lifelong Christian, I was ordained as a Presbyterian deacon in 1993 and, after relocating to SC in 2000, elected to become ordained as a non-denominational minister. ~ I established "MandysPath" Ministry in 2011. "MandysPath" Ministry is a member of Pacific Life Church, El Sobrante, CA, network of ministries. ~ I direct an outreach ministry in an alternative setting, providing spiritual care to a congregation of more than 500 people from around the world via the Internet. ~ As part of this outreach, I write a daily faith based blog. In March, 2012 I was asked to become a board member of Heroes For Children which is a non-profit foundation, established to assists the Guardian ad Litem program of Horry County, SC. Guardians ad Litem are a group of court appointed advocates who represent the best interests of children in Family Court proceedings involving allegations of abuse or neglect. Working closely with these men and women who make a difference in the lives of children, I completed training and have been sworn in to serve as a Guardian ad Litem for the state of South Carolina . ~ I have been married since 1975 to a wonderful man, Daniel. I have a son Daniel and his wife Melissa who live in NYC. My daughter Sabrina and my grandson Landon live here in SC. ~ My father Harold continues to share his wisdom with me and is responsible for many of the ideas I write about!

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